Friends make life fun and sometimes, more tolerable.  Having quality friendships is a key factor in having a more enjoyable life.  However, not-so-great friendships can actually bring us down and have a negative impact on our mental health.  Unless you know the signs of a toxic friendship, you can be stuck in something that you don’t realize is actually hurting you.  You also may know you’re in a toxic friendship, but aren’t sure how to address or even end it.  Just like toxic parents, toxic friendships can also take years to recover from and making a change as soon as possible should speed the recovery process.  

A toxic friendship is a relationship in which one person, or both people may harm each other through selfishness, manipulative behaviors, or being negative towards one another.  There doesn’t seem to be much compassion or feeling connected.  It is normal to have disagreements and conflicts in a friendship, however it’s important to look out for red flags that can be more than the norm:

1. Lack of respect
   • Mutual respect for one another is an important component of friendship.  Boundaries come into play here and being able to respect what is appropriate and not appropriate.  If it feels like your opinion isn’t important or your friend is constantly pushing your boundaries, they likely don’t respect you.  A healthy friendship allows for both individuals to be heard and supported by one another.  
2. Little to no support
   • In a healthy friendship, your friends are there for you when you need them.  Think about how reliable your friend is.  Do they answer when you reach out for help?  Do they follow through when they say they will do something?  Does it seem like you’re giving more effort than they are?  Good friends will give an equal amount of effort and you can count on them to lift you up.  
3. Negativity 
   • Healthy friendships have a good balance between being positive towards one another, and venting about life.  A toxic friend will rant and vent about negative things all of the time.  Although venting is normal in a friendship, hearing negativity each time you talk with your friend just makes everything feel down and pessimistic.   
4. Manipulative behaviors 
   • Good friends don’t pressure each other into doing things you don’t want to do.  They are respectful when you say no and won’t push you into doing what they want.  A toxic friend will likely make you feel guilty, a “bad friend” or “not cool” if you don’t give them a ride, drink with them, buy food for them, etc. This can lead to engaging in unhealthy habits in the future.  
5. Frequent conflicts 
   • A toxic friend will typically be negative and critical of you and your other friends.  Disagreements between friends can happen, however it’s important to be aware if there is a friend who is constantly creating drama.  

So, how do we hit the unfriend button on a toxic relationship?  First, you want to have a talk with this friend.  Sometimes, people do genuinely lack self-awareness and may not realize their behaviors have been toxic.  Be clear and specific about what behaviors you’re concerned about, and give them a chance to make a change.  Also take note of how receptive they are to the feedback.  Did they take it okay? Or were they defensive and unwilling to change?  If they are unwilling to see what they did wrong, change, or you gave them time and haven’t changed, you have the right to end the friendship.  This can look like directly telling the person you no longer want to be friends and have closure, or typically people result to ghosting.  The person may continue to reach out if you go the ghosting route, however at some point they’ll get the hint.  

After you’ve ended the friendship, it’s so important to take care of yourself mentally!  Do things you love, try new activities, focus on you.  Ending friendships can have a grieving process and you will need time for this new change.  You will have many opportunities to make new, healthy friendships whether it’s at school, work, or groups.  Finding who your real friends are may take time as you navigate what’s healthy and toxic.  Use what you know about toxic traits and use it to find the signs before you’re too into a toxic friendship.