Interpersonal effectiveness is one of the four core pieces of dialectical behavior therapy.  The primary goals of interpersonal effectiveness include communicating your wants and needs, getting people to do what you need, setting appropriate boundaries and being taken seriously.  These goals are meant for building strong relationships with family and friends, making new relationships, and ending relationships with those who are not respecting your wants and needs.  Interpersonal effectiveness takes practice, however with commitment, you will find yourself more satisfied with the relationships in your life.  

Where do we start with building interpersonal effectiveness?  There are four skills that are generally taught, however this blog will focus on DEAR MAN.  The DEAR MAN skill aims to build healthy relationships through effectively communicating wants and needs.  Below explains each letter in the acronym with step by step instructions:

Describe the current situation.  What is going on?  Be sure to stick with the facts and explain what it is you are having a reaction to.  

Ex. “You have asked me to work overtime the past 3 weekends”

Express your emotions and thoughts about the situation.  This is the perfect time to use “I” statements, and not assume the other person knows how you feel.  

Ex. “I am feeling overwhelmed with the extra amount of hours I’ve been working”

Assert yourself by asking what you want or need.  Say “no” if needed and be specific on the request.  Again, it’s not effective if we assume the person knows what we want. 

Ex. “I need to go back to my regular 40-hour work week”

Reinforce with reward and explain how getting what you want or need will have a positive effect.  We may also need to be clear on negative consequences of not getting what you want or need (if necessary).  

Ex. “Thank you for hearing me out.  Resuming my 40 hour work week will allow me time during the weekend to refill my battery and be ready to work on Monday.  If I continue working overtime, I will be drained and cannot give my full attention.”

Mindfully keeping focus on your goal and maintaining your position.  Try not to get off topic or become distracted.  Continue to say “no” if needed, expressing your opinion, almost sounding like a broken record.  Try to ignore distractions, attacks, or other tactics the other person is using to divert you.  Just continue making your point!

Ex. I need to resolve the overtime issue before discussing the next task”

Appear confident with body language and tone of voice. People can pick up when we are not feeling confident in what we are saying. 

Ex. Stand/sit up straight, make eye contact and speak clearly.  No fidgeting, looking down, or whispering. 

Negotiate, be willing to compromise, and know the limits on what you are willing to accept.  If needed, offer or ask for other solutions.  You can still say no and offer other solutions.  If it feels like you are able to reduce your request, go for it.  Think about what will work the best.  

Ex. “I will work the overtime this week, but going forward I won’t be able to manage the extra days.”  or “I will work on Saturday, but I can’t do the extra time on Sunday.”

Looking at the skills and examples, it can look scary for those who are not assertive and struggle with communication.  Lack of communication and boundaries can lead to a decrease in mental health, and a decrease in positive, healthy relationships.  Throughout using this skill, you will find what relationships are healthy, and which people don’t respect your wants/needs.  From there, you decide on whether it’s worth keeping the relationship.  This is a work in progress, and the more we practice the better we get.  Working alongside your therapist, you can collaboratively explore your own situations and practice together!